Just when you thought it would never come, the holiday season is over. I spent much of the last three days of yomtov panic organizing and unable to sleep properly. BMA finally has relocated, and I was supposed to go up for a visit on Sunday, but the first thing I saw when I turned on my phone again was a text cancelling. After three days of stewing on things that we need to talk about (names, induction date, continuing contact, how she’s doing, etc.), it’s punted and I’m frustrated.
Not that Simchat Torah was even half bad. As always, I ran into excellent friends who I only see occasionally, met a very cute person that I may be set up with by a mutual friend, refrained from dancing so as not to aggravate my neck, but not from singing or socializing, got some infant practice on a less-than-one-month-old, hung out with my favorite Imperfects, taught Proto the word megaphone and how to use one, and spent most of the morning Torah reading holding a three-month-old.
I also spent much of my unable to sleep time composing emails in my head to be sent after the kid arrives. And to people asking for help before the kid arrives. I’m realizing how much fear drives my actions in ways that I’ve been working on, but am far from over. I’m terrified of overstepping other people’s personal boundaries. I’m afraid of being a useless mooch. And I’m insecure if others like me. All of these things stand in the way of asking for help, even as I know that I need it. I just realized that because of my fear of pressuring people into doing things they don’t want to do, almost every time I ask for a favor I will also say “no is an acceptable answer”. This has even extended to my parents, where it’s been such a labor for me to figure out how to ask them for support that I didn’t call my mother for weeks. I drove myself to the emergency room last week when I couldn’t move my neck. Hell, I drove myself home from having my wisdom teeth extracted last year! The more I need help, the more I think about how to do it right, and the less able to ask for help I seem to become. This has got to stop.