Can’t Sleep, Future Will Eat Me

I shouldn’t be surprised that I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept properly for more than a week, I’ve been exhausted all day but unable to nap. I also haven’t done a good job eating, maintaining my back, or leaving my room. None of this is unexpected, and it’s kind of good to know that I’m not above normal nervousness, but it’s frustrating that all my processing power can’t override emotion; even though I know what’s going on, the monkey brain always wins. Stupid monkey.

On nights like this as a teenager, I would read Ender’s Game. It’s one of the reasons I’ve read it more than thirty times: it’s a comfort food book I can breeze through in under a night even when exhausted (when I’m not exhausted, it’s rare to find a young adult book I can’t read in under a night). With most of my brain distracted by churning anticipation, I can engage the conscious part with something familiar. Anything too challenging will require more brain than I can allocate, and the anxiety will take over. Since the internet now lives in my bed, I’ve been tending to go to YouTube for this kind of distraction over the last month or so.

There isn’t much point to this post, just blogvomming what’s going on in my head tonight. As Estye would put it: my life is about to be over. But I’m ready for life as I’ve experienced it so far to be over, and for a new life to begin. Or, at least, I’ve deluded myself into thinking I’m ready, which is all any prospective parent really accomplishes. I really hope I can get a nap tomorrow before pulling an all-nighter in the hospital. Or that there are chairs comfortable enough for me to nap in at the hospital, although my experience says that there won’t be, no matter how tired I am. Although, maybe maternity waiting rooms are like the vigil room outside my dad’s ICU, with a couple of recline-y chairs that sleep-deprived, stressed families can politely fight over. Or maybe there will be a dad’s bed in BMA’s room, since she wants me in there with her.

Tomorrow, I mean today after the sun rises, I’m going to:

  • Find my passport
  • Double check my packing
  • Go to the mall to buy BMA a present (I’m thinking digital photo frame that I’ll load with pictures of her, her kids, and the kid)
  • Deposit the rent cheques
  • Get a cooler of food from Sarah Beila
  • Put the frozen breast milk in the cooler, too
  • Steal bananas from the Boston Organics box
  • Go to Trader Joe’s for last-minute grocery things
  • Triple check my packing
  • Text BMA
  • Drive to Portland
  • Check into the hotel, and either collapse or take BMA and her kids to a late lunch, depending on what she wants to do
  • Call my parents before they get on the plane
  • Pack up food, water, book, stitching, phone, iPod, DS, and camera for the hospital
  • Either drive BMA to the hospital or meet her there, depending on what she wants to do
  • Sit
  • Take my cues from BMA
  • Befriend at least one nurse
  • Greet my parents when they arrive
  • Wait for the future to arrive
  • Meet the person who is going to change my life in ways anticipated and un-
  • Probably cry
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5 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep, Future Will Eat Me

  1. Oh Lee, how marvelous and scary all at once. I wish you the best of luck for tomorrow, I hope everything goes smoothly, and mazel tov in advance of becoming a father. I know I haven’t seen you in years (well, apart from at the hair salon), but I know that you’ll be a wonderful dad. This is one very lucky baby.

  2. We can’t stop thinking about you! For some reason I thought tonight was the big night but I guess I remembered wrong. Regardless – Sending lots of love your way. Let me know if you ever need connections re: the donated breastmilk thing, as I know folks (in MA though not right in your area) who gave exclusively breastmilk for the entire first year without being able to lactate themselves. Maybe I could help make a shidduch or something. XO

  3. sending love and hopes for joy, and a transition that happens in the best time, and in the best way possible. And of course, wonderful wonderful imperfections šŸ˜‰

    Thinking about you tonight…

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