December has been kicking me in the face, with work stress and reading stress and my general inability to get everything done that needs to be done, so I didn’t update for O’s birthday on the sixth, or the finalization on the eleventh. So much later than I thought it would be, and I’m still not sure if it was a big deal or not.
I was planning to make a cake for O’s birthday, but then a housemate offered to but never did. But he had sugar-free cake when we were in DC and celebrated his birthday there. I don’t think it really matters, but then I start to doubt myself when my everyone wants to make a big to-do, with cake smearing and presents and such. I’m grateful, but there’s more important things going on, and I kinda want to save my give a care for when it matters. Maybe I’m a robot, I’m not sure.
I’m also a bit worried about my priorities being out of whack with the finalization. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have everything done (well, not quite everything, I still need the paperwork and the SSN and everything), but the thing I was most emotionally invested in on that day was the stressful situation I’m in at work. I was happy to see my parents, because it meant they could take O for a while so I could bake cookies for my students. Hilariously, my parents know the father of the judge who did the finalization. Unfortunately, that meant there was a lot of talking before we actually signed all the papers. I hate making people wait, and there were at least three other dockets in the lobby waiting to be seen while they shmoozed. Again, maybe I’m a robot, but it wasn’t some kind of transformative experience. It just kinda…was.
I guess the common thing with all of these days (the birthday celebration, the actual birthday, the finalization day) was that there were other things that needed practical attention (impending Shabbas, teaching a friend, other people’s court cases, work mishegas), and my attention was there. I spend most of my practical energy on the kid, but when there’s something else that requires it, the fact that he’s the center of sentimental attention doesn’t block out the other things going on. If anything, it highlights them, their importance, and the fact that they matter, even as other people are saying this matters. I guess I’m also uncomfortable being the center of attention, even on O’s behalf.