First Steps, Next Steps

O took his first unsupported steps back in January, but he has yet to become confident in walking in any way, shape, or form. He clings to supports and goes down to crawling when he can’t find any. I know he can, but he’s just too scared of falling to try it out more. I try to encourage him, and applaud every time he falls, but in the small spaces of a traditional New England home, there’s always something to grab on to. There are worse things than having a risk-averse toddler, to be sure, but for a kid as full of energy as O, it’s strange how little he wants to stray and explore his new skills.

O has a new biological cousin who is being placed with a single woman here in the Boston area! I spoke with her on the phone when she was thinking about the match, and we got to meet earlier this week. It’s exciting that we will know each other, that O will know this cousin, that they’ll both be Jewish. I’ve gotten to talk to several prospective single parents who are adopting through Acadia over the last few months; I really need to set up a time for us all to hang out.

When it comes to next steps for me, that’s where things get a bit scarier. I’ve never wanted O to be an only child, and I worry that if I wait too long, I’ll never have another, so I’m going back into the adoption pool. Officially, I don’t want my profile to be active until O is at least 18 months old, but when I called Dr. Laura about getting started on re-doing the home study, she told me about a birth mother who was due in August who they thought would be a good match for me, so I updated my profile tout suite, looked at my finances, talked to Tony, and started making plans.

I found out yesterday that she decided to go with another adoptive family, which is both hard and a relief. I really want this, and I want it soon, but I do have a lot going on at the moment, and a little bit more space wouldn’t go amiss. Of course, I could get a match with a birth mother who is due before this one is, so who knows? I’m practicing holding on to things lightly, anticipating without being wedded to outcomes. In the adoption world, in the parenting world, where I have to cede control to others, it’s a hard but necessary practice.

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